IF THE SEASON ENDED TODAY 06.18.08: Lakers vs. Celtics, 2-Pac, Biggie, and breakdown

I don’t know where to start. If I were being professional, I would say congrats to the Celtics and be done, but I am not that mature. The Lakers played like the L.A. Sparks without the famed fundamentals. The Lakers played like the Dodgers, if the Dodgers were forced at gunpoint to play shuffleboard (where Jeff Kent would be the MVP). Considering that Matt Kemp was a star basketball player in high school, is it honestly too late to draft the guy? Because seriously, he would probably play better perimeter defense than ANY of the Lakers, who honestly call this their profession. I mean they get paid to play like this. PAID. MILLIONS. TO PLAY LIKE THIS.

The Lakers could pay me a million dollars for the series and I would guard Paul Pierce. Well I would guard Paul Pierce as well as any of the other Lakers did. When I use the term “guard” I use the term loosely because neither myself or any of the Lakers perimeter defenders could or have stopped Paul Pierce. I would try though, by doing such huge groundbreaking things like, I don’t know PUTTING MY ARMS IN THE AIR, and not waving them like I just don’t care. I would put my arms in the air to try to contest a shot, or slow Pierce down from moon-walking to the basket for the easy lay-up/foul/assist combo he has been dropping all series. This goes directly to Vlad and Walton who played some of the worst perimeter defense I’ve seen since game 5, and game 4 and game 3 and these entire playoffs.

The Lakers perimeter defense was their biggest problem, not doubt about it. I was talking to a co-worker of mine who tried to say that it was their defense on the low block and inside that was the biggest issue this series because of all the lay-ups Boston (i.e. Paul Pierce) was getting. Not so I countered, because if the Lakers could stop Ray Allen’s daughter from driving past them for an easy two, there wouldn’t be these easy lay-ups. Yes the inside defense was bad and soft, but the perimeter defense was so soft it needed Cialis (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cialis). Bynum’s return will help with the interior defense and toughness allowing the Lakers to stay more at home with the guards on the perimeter, but their number one concern is to get a James Posey like defender (hopefully it is Ariza) who can just shut down another team’s big perimeter player.

So where do you start when your team gets blown out by 39 points? Do you take solace in the fact that this was a record setting series? No. Not when you are on the wrong side of the books (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news;_ylt=AvLA1mlbHNH0db1CST5mStCB0): biggest loss in NBA finals history, Celtics had the most 3 pointers, steals, and set a record for least amount of white dudes to set foot on the floor for a series at zero (they have Scott Pollard and Brian Scalabrine, who like the Celtics, haven’t been good since 1986, riding the pine deservedly so). Kobe did tie a record for most steals in a series, but to quote the immensely quotable Brent Barry (of the evil Spurs) from the Western Conference Finals earlier this year, “That’s like putting whipped cream on shit”.

It’s about time the playoffs wrapped up because it has seriously has felt like an eternity since they started. They have never felt this long before (that’s what she said), but it ended on a sour note for most of us on the west coast, and on a high note for those on the east coast. In this rivalry the Lakers are 2-Pac and the Celtics are Biggie. Even though the Lakers lost the series (battle) and the title (i.e. getting shot in the balls at a studio), there are plenty of chances for the Lakers to win the next handful of titles (i.e. releasing more records after they are killed than the Celtics do). I have NO idea where I was going with that reference, and it makes no sense to me, but I’ll leave it in because I think part of it makes sense. Cut me some slack, I’m still reeling from the pounding that was placed on the team.

QUARTER BY QUARTER BREAKDOWN (not unlike the Lakers)

1^st Quarter: This is the best quarter a Laker fan could have dreamed of, considering the environment. There was no way the Lakers would build a 19 point lead this time against a motivated Celtics team that was closing the series out. Both teams looked mediocre and nervous coming out at the start missing absolute gimmies and turning the ball over at an alarming rate. The one highlight was Kobe Bryant who in these past few games has been known as a better opener than a closer. I had high hopes after this quarter.

2^nd Quarter: Any hope I had was instantly shot out the window. If there was a way to take the smell of dog crap and transmit it in the form of a basketball team: that would be the Lakers. Launching more bricks than some sort of brick launching contraption, they proceeded to shoot themselves out of the quarter, while allowing the Celtics to stroll down the lane with ease and joy like Hansel and Gretel before the witch tries to eat them. Vlad continues to play like a guy who was handed a $31million contract to be tall, Eastern European, and crappy. Luke continues to prove critics wrong by actually shooting a negative percentage in the playoffs. I would have more confidence in Jerry West out there now. Hell, I have more confidence in Kanye West out there than Luke.

3^rd Quarter: Everybody I have talked to told me this is when they turned the game off. The Lakers tried their best, but there terrible defense allowed the Celtics to post another 30 point quarter and crush the Lakers hopes even more. Much like a fat man on a paper chair, the Lakers collapsed.

4^th Quarter: I have yet to remember an NBA finals game that had garbage time for over an entire quarter. The Lakers were lucky the Celtics were bored playing defense because that is the only reason that they scored 32 points. The good news was, the Lakers cut the streak of the Celtics scoring 30 points in a quarter. The bad news is they allowed 42, so if my math serves me correctly: 42-32= ass kicking.

So to end this diatribe on the Lakers and the Celtics, I will say congrats to the Celtics. They played a better series and they deserved the win. The Lakers never looked good despite actually having a chance to have handily won the series. My only hope out of this is that the Lakers build on the collapse and mature to a more dominant team. I’m happy for Ray Allen, I hate Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce still looks like a chipmunk Alvin, Simon Theodore…and Pierce???) and Rajon Rondo is overrated. Celtics should enjoy the victory, they deserved it more than the Lakers by playing as a better unit, and beat them fair and square. This will be a long summer for the Lake Show.